11 Survival Skills for Life in a Toddler's House

"Being a mother is not about

what you gave up to have a child,

but what you've gained from having one."

- Sunny Gupta

I have been a mom for exactly 1 year, 7 months, 1 week, 19 hours, and 48 minutes. That means that the past 586 mornings, I have woken up to a cry or a little voice calling for mommy or daddy. The past 586 dinners had to be (somewhat) baby-friendly. The past 586 days revolved around nap time, snack time, and bed time. If I'm brutally honest, I have missed out on a lot the past year and a half. I used to frequent concerts and midnight premiers, long shopping trips and impromptu weekend get-a-ways were typical, and the most make-up I would have on all week was at 10 pm on Saturday night- on my way OUT the door! I used to sleep till noon every chance I got, and now sleeping past 8 is a rare treat. My life is completely different than it was 3 or 4 years ago. Last weekend, I actually said "Well, that was his fault for wanting to start a movie at 8:30 at night!!". Heed my warning, don't ever say that around anyone that doesn't have a child! You will not hear the end of it.

Even though I have given up a lot for my son, my heart and soul are fuller today than they have ever dreamed of being. Just one look from those blue eyes and a "Mommy, hold you?" can instantly melt me. The amount of love that a toddler's heart can hold is beyond comprehension. Having a child teaches you so much about love and life- you gain a whole new perspective on everything when you hear your baby cry for the first time. It's indescribable. Having a child also pushes you to be a better person. You learn the real meaning of patience and unconditional. It changes your demeanor. It may be cliche, but you are no longer simply standing on your own two feet- you have to hold another human up. And you do everything in your power to hold that tiny human up as high as you possible can. And you're gonna get tired. And that tiny human is going to get bigger. And bigger. Soon, you're going to have a screaming and biting toddler that makes an alligator's death roll look like a sleeping roly poly. I am by no means a toddler expert. I only have one and we haven't even made it to the "terrible twos". But, thus far, I have complied a list of 11 survival skills for anyone living in a toddler's house. My hope is that you will be able to laugh and relax as you relate to the mother in me.

11 Survival Skills for Anyone Living in a Toddler's House

1. Relinquish your house. Go ahead and hand over the keys, the house doesn't belong to you anymore. Yes, I know you're paying the bills and keeping everything running. But the first rule of keeping your sanity with a toddler is to know that you are no longer in charge. You still have to discipline your toddler to make sure he/she is growing up on the right path... BUT that toddler is the one calling the shots and in charge of all daily activities and scheduling. Just roll with the flow.

2. Sit on the floor when you get home or some other time during your day. Every day. Get on the toddler's level. You both will love being on the same level and quality time on the floor is unlike any other. It's like you are visiting the toddler world. It will instantly lower your stress and bring out your inner child. That toddler will not be a toddler forever and will soon be rushing out the door to "hang with friends" every time you turn around.

3. Take pictures and videos of your toddler's fits. As soon as that whining, crying, or screaming pushes you over the edge, instead of losing your mind, whip that phone out! There's just something about the reenactment of a toddler's fit that makes people laugh. It's totally worth saving. As an added bonus, a lot of times they will stop pitching a fit once they lay eyes on a phone or other piece of electronics.

4. Don't waste time folding and putting up laundry. Seriously, if you change clothes half as much as my son and I do, you'll be washing and folding till your fingers fall off. And, if you want to stay somewhat dirt, snot, slobber, and cheese puff residue free, you're going to have to change clothes about once per hour. So just go ahead and leave your clean laundry in a central, easy to get to location. I like the middle of the living room. If someone comes over, just shove the baskets into the spare bedroom. No one will ever know.

5. Keep some Febreze, Lysol, air freshener, perfume, ect. in your car! Just something that smells like flowers, clean laundry or the rainforest. Then, you will never have to drive home in a car smelling like that nasty diaper you keep forgetting to throw away. Your nose will thank you. Actually, just go ahead and convince yourself that all these new and unique smells are expanding your sense palette. It's like you're adding culture to your life. Toddler smells are smells you have never smelled before and cannot explain, and they are guaranteed to make every other smell on the planet more enjoyable.

6. Buy impractical things for your toddler. Spend too much money. Whatever your heart desires (but please, be somewhat reasonable and make sure you pay the bills first). Those tiny converse? Get them. Baby Patagonia? It will keep him/her warm, so it's partially practical! Those kind of things make your toddler exponentially cuter, and it's REALLY hard to stay mad at a ridiculously cute toddler.

7. Eat at the table as much as you can. This is perfect because the toddler is in restraints! I mean, is safely buckled up while you enjoy a lovely family meal. And those sticky fingers are not roaming your living room- that's where the clean laundry is, remember? Best to keep those separate. And you do get to enjoy a lovely family meal. But you have to set the phones aside! I promise, you will all be happier if you go off the grid for meals and have normal social interactions.

8. Invest in a tent. If you're lucky and it doesn't petrify your toddler, you can zip that door up and contain the mess. This is especially helpful if you're expecting company. Pitch tent in living room, add favorite toys and toddler (maybe even an aunt for extra comfort and entertainment), feverishly clean house with Flight of the Bumblebee playing in your head. Just before said company arrives, shove the tent (toys and all) into the spare bedroom. Right next to the clean laundry. I do advise to remove the toddler (aunt optional) before moving the tent. Not doing so could result in petrification of the toddler. Then, your tent-containment-trick will never work again.

9. Turn the baby/toddler TV channel off. Before you know it, you'll be sitting on the couch calling for Toodles or yelping for help and your toddler will be in the other room putting together that ABC puzzle! Don't get sucked into those shows! They are made to hypnotize tiny humans, but in my research, I haven't found any size of human that can withstand their power. Read a book, write a letter, get a crossword puzzle, maybe even fold that laundry you're sitting next too! (Although you're probably going to have to change clothes again very soon!) Just take a break from Harry the Bunny and Princess Sophia. You and your toddler. Spend time together...Go outside or to the park. You might need to refer back to survival tip #1.

10. Give good night kisses every night. A bed time ritual not only relaxes a toddler, but it will relax you too. And, toddler kisses can cure anything. Get them every chance you can get.

11. Take a million pictures and videos. Or two million. Maybe even three million. Three million is a good number. You cannot have enough. As the years go by, many of your memories will fade. Bits and pieces will be lost. It's unfortunate, but our brains just aren't able to remember everything. Then, you're going to find yourself on the floor in your toddler's room looking to play with those blocks one more time. Except it won't be a toddler's room and there will be no blocks and you won't be living in a toddler's house. And you won't be the mother of a toddler. Your toddler is going to be all grown up and living in the dorm on campus. And you're going to be flipping through albums of those blue eyes and watching videos of "Mommy, hold you?" And that will be the closest you can get to your toddler. Make sure you have enough to make it through that first night.